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| I think Godfrey's right. I think xanga just might be obsolete. | | |
| Well, this has been an interesting Christmas break, to say the least. I had a car wreck. I'm fine, but the Silver Bullet is out of commission until at least Wednesday. It's already been like two weeks. I'm pissed. Grr... I started talking to Jacob again. I decided not to be psycho, though, which is a good thing. :) I have accepted responsibility for my craziness. I truly acted like a nutcase. It's not like he's asked me out or anything. I don't expect him to. I think that ship has probably sailed. After a long talk with Dad & Margaret, I added him back onto my facebook friends and my cell phone. So, we've just been chatting back and forth every few days. It's a nice mood boost, to hear from a friend who's just saying hi. My parents, however, keep nagging that they want to meet him, and I keep telling them that they need to quit being psycho. I think that it's just that they're used to knowing all my other friends, and they want to meet this one too. They're very curious (and nosy) people. We thought my grandfather was going to die. Apparently he still is, sometime between now and like next month. So the immediacy has gone away. I feel like our whole family is on deathwatch, though. I know I probably sound really callous, but my grandfather has found Jesus, so there's nothing else to do but wait. Death really doesn't bother me. I mean, senseless death and slaughter and stuff like that bothers me. But someone dying who has reached the end of his or her life just doesn't make me particularly depressed. Granddaddy's in a lot of pain...he's got a crushed vertebrae and diabetes and some other stuff, and he's wanted to die since his wife did...I hope he just goes soon. I think he'll be much happier. | | |
| Well, I've come through another Emotion Roller Coaster dip without injury. I talked to my mom on the phone a lot. And Will a lot. And Laura a lot. It helped (thank you, thank you to all who rode the coaster with me). There were two things that really stuck with me. One, that I really can be whomever the hell I want to be, and those people who don't like it can move on down the line. So what if I want to be a geek/redneck/surfer/vet? Who's going to stop me? And I came to realize that the people who love me and who've been around the longest (get this..) know what I'm like and love me anyway! ::GASP!:: In fact, the people that love me the most know all of my weirdest tendencies and idiosyncrasies. Go figure.    
And two, that the world really doesn't revolve around me. Now this sounds like up to this point I was being egocentric and vain and all of that stuff. I was, but not to the degree you're thinking. All this means is that hey, if somebody decides he doesn't want to go out with me anymore, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me. It may not have anything to do with me. I'm fine. And this principle, I've found, applies to most other areas of my life as well. You wanna wear that corny t-shirt? Nobody cares! Nobody's looking! Nobody's judging! As long as you basically look and carry yourself similarly to everybody else on the planet (and this is a really wide range of people), nobody cares what you friggin' do with your time. Except your mom. She cares...but she's not in Wal-Mart with you, so it doesn't matter. I digress... My point is, that coming to the realization that the world really doesn't revolve around me, that people aren't thinking about me, that people aren't wondering what I'm doing or why I'm not wearing makeup or why I can't AI a cow yet, is really quite liberating. I can do whatever I want. :smiley: I feel as though the whole world was staring at me through a giant magnifying glass, studying my every move and scrutinizing my feelings. Now I feel anonymous. It's wonderful. 
I've also decided to either throw out or donate (I'm leaning toward donating) all my romance novels. That's not reality. I've been telling myself that for years, and I thought I believed it, but you really can't surround yourself all the time with those kinds of stories and expect to stay in reality. I mean, I can sit here and wait for a 6'5", 280-lb cowboy named Royce to come and sweep me off my feet after an anger-filled but still tantalizing courtship, but let's face it, that just ain't happenin'. I've come to realize that these kinds of stories have become harmful to me and my mental stability. Seriously, I've been reading romance novels since I was about thirteen. The happy ending is all I've been fed for ten years. That and my parents' divorce. Yikes. No wonder I'm such a mess. But it's just so much easier to deny reality and live in a fairy tale. Maybe that's what happened to my aunt Kathy... Anyway, it's time to put aside childish things, as they say. Stop expecting Prince Charming (or one of the Sea Swept brothers) to turn up on my doorstep. Time to live in reality and get down to the business of vetting. 
(Dude, when she stands up she'll be like a foot taller than him. I hate inaccurately proportioned cover art.) I can still have my calendar, though...right? 
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| Did you ever have one of those days where you felt like everybody was upset at you, but you had no idea what you'd done? I feel like most of my friends are mad at me lately, and I don't know why. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Or maybe I'm suffering from PMS. It's most likely the latter. I don't care what Dr. C says, PMS exists. I always get really low self esteem around this time. I feel fat and ugly, and I feel like everybody hates me. Wah, wah, wah. Pity party for me. Anyway, I just have this feeling lately like I can't do anything right. I feel like I'm screwing up every human relationship I have right now. Except maybe the ones with my parents. But if you don't talk to somebody that much, how can you screw up the relationship, right? I just wish I could shake this feeling that I'm not good enough--this low self-esteem crap that I seem to do in cycles. I mean, I know that I'm not as bad as I make myself out to be, but hormones suck! | | |
| Blah, blah, blah...work...blah, blah, blah...boys are dumb...blah, blah, blah. Yay me for making a post. | | |
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